Okay here's the thing, it's not like I am exaggerating when I have takes like this, but I do realize it's not like war or surgery. Yes it's just a candy bar, and it's not the most important thing in the world, fine. So don't get all "It's not that big a deal" when you read this. But i'm sorry, when something is trash i'm gonna point it out. And I have no problem pointing out the trash that is the worst candy bar that comes up during Halloween: Almond Joy.
But why are you such a scrooge Armen, do you hate the kids, do you hate fun, why don't you just let people eat what they want? Oh no, they can, I don't care. If you want trash you can eat trash. It's your choice. I'm no scrooge, I don't hate fun. No, you know what I hate? COCONUT! I HATE COCONUT ALRIGHT! I SAID IT, IT'S TRASH.
The problem is the coconut. You can tolerate this nasty fruit if it's in very small amounts, but the entire candy bar is a big coconut stick. Look, the thing is trash. No one ever sits around saying, damn I want to be refreshed with a delicious snack, let me go have a slice of coconut.
The only redeeming value of the coconut is the Pina Colada. Guess what, IT'S HOLLOWED OUT AND USED AS A CUP! It's not because people actually like the taste of coconut, it's because they can drink booze out of the shell.
Now you might say "Armen, Almond Joy and Mounds were invented by Armenians how could you?" Yes, that is absolutely true. In 1919 six Armenian immigrants who came to America to escape the oppression of the Armenian Genocide at the hands of the Ottoman Turks started the Peter Paul Candy Manufacturing Company, of which their products became the iconic Almond Joy and Mounds bars. Of course I am eternally happy and grateful for this story of these brave Armenians who, like many others at the time, survived and flourished in America using hard work and entrepreneurial ingenuity. Their survival is a representation of the Armenian people. It's an amazing story. However these brands have long been sold to Cadbury and Hershey. So I don't feel bad saying that I don't like these candy bars now.
Anyway, it seems that the fans of these candy bars are super defensive and I experienced that through a series of tweets this weekend where I clarified my feelings on this candy bar. Oh well. Come at me bro. Better yet, you CAN AT ME. Because I don't care.
Don't even get me started on Three Musketeers.